My Co-Workers Go Around the Table at Lunch and Declare Which of Our Foods Will Make Us Fatter

Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. It’s anonymous!
Dear Good Job,
Last year, my work returned to the office part-time. We work in a relatively small and high-pressure industry (lots of tight deadlines but never life-and-death stakes) and there is an unspoken expectation to work through your lunch break. Even something as simple as going for a walk or picking up food is met with sideways looks and talk from managers about “focusing on priorities.” When I work from home, I take my full lunch (and get all my assignments done) and feel much better at the end of the day when I’ve had the opportunity to take time away from my laptop. However, we’re almost a year in, and I haven’t found a way to assert my reasonable need for a midday breather when I’m in the office.
The one exception to the vague “no lunch break” rule is that my employer also encourages socializing. So taking a full hour is fine if we’re all eating together. I genuinely like the team I’m on and have enough in common with them that hanging out should be quite pleasant! The only problem is that some of my co-workers can be very critical regarding body image and what everyone else is eating. Several people will go around the (only) table every day to comment on what everyone else has, whether or not it’s good for them, and how much it will affect their weight. It’s driving me batty! I don’t think these comments are meant to be rude but they are often quite brusque and make me not want to eat in front of the others … which just brings me back to my original problem of not taking a full break. Our office is small and open-concept, so eating privately at my desk (and doing something like reading a book instead of replying to emails) unfortunately isn’t an option.
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How can I protect my much-needed break when I’m in the office without rocking the boat with management? Or do you have any recommendations to shut down comments about food/weight and redirect the conversation to something else?
—Hungry for Some Peace and Quiet
Dear Peace and Quiet,
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This would drive me mad. It’s not enough for your employer to dictate the hours you need to be at your desk—now they’re also dictating how you eat your lunch? And you have to socialize with co-workers who body-shame? Hard pass!
You mentioned that when you work from home, you can take the full hour for your lunch. I’m not sure how frequently you can work from home, but is it possible to up that frequency? Otherwise, I don’t think there is a surefire way to protect your break that doesn’t involve having a frank conversation with your boss about how you need a breather to do your best work. Regardless, I do think you need to address the food comments, because even if you’re just in the office one day a week, you shouldn’t be subjected to this kind of talk during 20 percent of your lunch breaks. Personally, I would not address this in the moment, in front of everyone—people are likely to get defensive if they’re called out in front of a group. Instead, I would talk with people individually, and explain that you really value them as colleagues and want to spend your lunch breaks with them (OK, it’s a little white lie…), but all the talk of food and weight is making you really self-conscious, and you’d like to stop discussing it.
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One last thought: You don’t mention how old your colleagues are, but I think it’s just worth considering how much social norms around body image and disordered eating have changed in the last 10 or 15 years. People who are in their 40s and older, especially, were raised on a steady diet (pun intended) of fat-shaming and body dysmorphia, and in the past, no one would have even batted an eye at conversations like the ones you’re describing. Thankfully, things have changed! I only raise this to encourage you to have a smidgen of empathy for your colleagues, who likely do not even realize that the messaging they have internalized all their lives is pretty awful. How lucky that you are aware enough to realize that this kind of talk is not OK—and can gently nudge them to realize it too.
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Dear Good Job,
I work in a small team and I was just promoted to manage it. The transition from co-worker to boss has gone well, although now I’m in the position of providing more direct feedback, which I may not have been as comfortable doing as a colleague. One of our team members is a talker. They will add their take, perspective, story, or response in almost every discussion. What’s tricky is their additions are often helpful or insightful, yet it’s crowding out others’ opportunities to share, or they extend conversations much longer than they need to be. How do I give them feedback to help them change their behavior while also maintaining that collegial relationship?
—Bud to Boss
Dear Bud to Boss,
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As someone who tends to be more reserved in meetings, I too find it frustrating when there’s that one person who seems to dominate the discussion. That’s why I always prefer meetings led by people who send out an agenda and set clear ground rules for how the meeting will run. Since you’re a new manager, you have the opportunity to establish some new guidelines for your meetings. Before your next one, send around an agenda with a time frame for each item, and designate a different person in the meeting to lead the discussion of each one. This will help equalize participation and also give people a clear idea of what specifically to come prepared to discuss. At the top of the agenda, you could also establish a “step up, step back” rule: If you tend to be quiet in meetings, try to “step up” to participate more; if you’re the more talkative type, reflect on how you participate and try to “step back” and give others a chance to speak.
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Finally, it’s helpful if you, as the meeting facilitator, get comfortable with interrupting, especially if it’s to stop an interrupter! You can be diplomatic about it, of course, but practice saying something like, “Thank you, [Talker]—does anyone else have any ideas or would like to speak?” And if this person still doesn’t get the message, have a private conversation with them (not during the meeting!), where you tell them that while you value their contributions, you’re trying to give everyone a chance to speak and share their perspectives, so you’re going to need them to be more aware of the time they spend talking in meetings.
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Dear Good Job,
As a paralegal for almost 20 years, I’m used to never unplugging (I’m talking emails and texts at all hours of the day and night, on weekends, etc.), and working 10 to 15 hours days. A little more than a year ago, I went in-house for a large company. The job is amazing and the benefits are to die for. This could be my “forever job” except for one glaring problem.
They only give 10 paid days off for your first five years at the company. I originally asked for 12 before I started and they said yes but I’ve since been told by human resources that 10 is the max. So that felt like a bait switch, which I didn’t like. Ultimately, the salary, stock options, and health insurance made up for it. Plus, for the last year, I’ve been told that my vacation time is my time and I’m not expected to work during it, which is a wonderful break from my previous jobs.
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I am taking over for someone who is retiring and, now that he’s announced his last day, I’ve been informed that I’ll be expected to check emails while I’m on vacation. Mind you, they are extremely careful about emphasizing that they don’t want me to work, they just want me to check emails once or twice per day and make sure something urgent doesn’t come through. They said this is for “my own peace of mind” so that “I don’t feel bad if something urgent is missed” while I’m gone. I can’t help but feel like this is some slick corporate gas lighting and I should put my foot down on this issue, especially considering I only get 10 days off a year! Everyone else at my level gets 20, since they’ve been with the firm for over 10 years. They are also allowed to work from home whenever they want and they work remotely from wherever they want regularly. These people are executives so I get that they have more flexibility, but I won’t even reach 15 days off until 2030. Any advice for broaching this subject or should I just let it go for the next four-and-a-half years and hope nothing happens while I’m gone? Because I ain’t checking those emails!
—Email Is Still Work
Dear Email Is Still Work,
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Drat, it seems like all of your vacations from here on out will be at spots that have unreliable or zero WiFi, and it just won’t be possible for you to check email while you’re away! Everything will just have to wait until you’re back, and no, you’re not reachable in case of an emergency.
Then put up an away message that says you will not be checking emails while you’re gone and directs folks to someone who will be online to field those “emergencies,” turn your phone off, and enjoy your vacation.
—Doree
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Classic Prudie
I live with my best friend (who is a 32-year-old adult). We are both solidly comfortable in terms of funds (and honestly, though my salary is slightly higher, I have pretty substantive loans/debts that she doesn’t have to worry about). Two years ago, my mom gave me a wine of the month club gift for a month, where you get to mix and match a case of wine for a pretty steep discount. Since then, I buy a case of wine a month because it’s actually pretty economical. I understand that this is a bit of booze, but it’s actually a very useful tool for me in keeping my alcohol intake to a certain limit and it’s cheaper. Since I started doing this, my roommate has decided it’s OK to drink my wine…