I first met Tix on an online chatroom in 2011. I was initially drawn to him because he was very handsome. After we’d spoken a few times, we met up for a drink near where I live in London, England. I had no expectations whatsoever, which I think came across in the way I was dressed: I’d gone to the gym and thrown a red tennis skirt over a pair of leggings.
But, despite having low expectations, I was pleasantly surprised. Tix was really smart but also very funny and emotionally astute. We became friends and met up once a week to go for walks or drinks. Until one night, after nearly two months, everything changed.
I refer to it as the night we “consummated” our relationship. It’s actually still in my diary! It was quite a full-on night. We went out to a bar, had quite a bit to drink, and ended up back at his place, in bed together. It was like a marathon session—I’ve never repeated that with anyone since. It was really quite extraordinary. I asked him at a later date, “Did I say ‘I love you’ that night?” And he said: “I think you probably did.” It’s like all the endorphins were swimming around and I got completely carried away.
We ended up dating for the next four years. The first year was great—it was passionate, we were up for anything. We went on a trip to New York, which was amazing, and we just had a lot of fun.
But then the menopause hit me like a ton of bricks. I was 51 at the time, and I started having hot flushes and feeling unattractive. I felt bad that I wasn’t able to be that happy, upbeat, sexy girlfriend that I’d been at the start of our relationship.
The disparity in our ages also started to become a real issue for me, as Tix is 16 years younger than me. I found it quite difficult when friends would call me a cougar or call Tix my “toy boy.” It felt so derogatory.
Around the same time, Tix started having some challenges of his own that he wanted to work on by himself.
We kept our relationship going until it just became too difficult, and in 2015 we broke up. I felt at that point, that it was the best thing for both of us. I thought he needed to do some work on himself, and I needed to go through my menopause. I felt rubbish and I didn’t think it was fair to make him have to suffer through that.
The break-up was painful. I really cared about him and we’d had a brilliant time together. We gave each other space for about six months. But we had a business together—we worked on an app at the time—so we couldn’t give each other space for too long.
Gradually we started talking again, and we got on so well that re-engaged with each other, but as friends.
I wanted to stay friends with Tix for the same reason I stay friends with all my exes—because I really like him as a person. And I missed him. I’m not very good at ending things where I actually have a connection with somebody. I might not want to sleep with them anymore, but I still want them in my life.
Tix is my best friend. He knows me better than anybody, and I know that I can be completely honest with him and trust him. We speak on the phone most days, and he calls me up to rant about politics, other women that are driving him crazy, and general stuff that mates talk about.
I would say that we’re closer now than we have ever been. I think our break-up ultimately brought us much closer together, because he realized that although I wasn’t going to be there for him in a romantic way, I wasn’t going to abandon him completely.
When we hang out, I don’t feel any of those former romantic feelings. We’ve moved past that and we would never get back together. For me, the age gap is still too much of an issue. Even though I look at him and recognize he’s super attractive and everything, I can’t even imagine sleeping with him again.
Plus, we’ve both gone out with other people—he’s had girlfriends, I’ve had other partners. My current partner, whom I have been with for seven months, has met Tix and they seem to really like each other.
I do sometimes wonder what my partners will think about Tix. I think it’s quite challenging for a lot of people, to be with a woman who’s still really close to the guy she used to date. You have to have a lot of trust. But none of my partners have said anything to me about it. They probably know if they said to me, “I don’t like the relationship you have with him,” then all that’s going to happen is I’m probably going to break up with them.
I think all of Tix’s girlfriends have been uncomfortable about our relationship. They don’t like it at all. He had one girlfriend in particular who I think felt quite threatened by our relationship.
There have been a couple of occasions with other exes, whom I’ve stayed friends with, where, as soon as they’ve got involved with other women, they’ve dropped off the face of the Earth. I really don’t like that; it’s horrible. I just think: if we’re friends, we’re friends.
I don’t get jealous when Tix has a new partner. I suppose it’s more of a, “Is she good enough for you?” kind of thing. I think he should be with somebody amazing, and we’ve both talked to each other about how we should be with people deserving of us.
He has never said to me, “I think it’s a bad idea for you to get involved with this person.” But I think we just generally look out for each other, and remind each other when we’re falling into predictable patterns that we have fallen into before.
The best thing about being friends with someone you used to date is that, once you’ve got past the stuff in your relationship that doesn’t work, you can focus on the stuff that does. Tix is emotionally intelligent, articulate, smart and has strong opinions that I generally agree with. We have a similar outlook on life and enjoy doing similar things, like going to the theater. So there is a lot of benefits to being with somebody with whom you have a lot in common—even if you don’t have everything that’s required to have a romantic relationship.
Suzanne Noble lives in London. She co-hosts the podcast, Sex Advice for Seniors.
All views expressed in this article are the author’s own.
As told to Katie Russell.
‘I’m Best Friends With My Ex, His Girlfriends Don’t Like It’
